EMILY: Okay, Chuck, from Orange Island… How has the tour been for you guys so far?
CHUCK: Well, we’re only on this tour for about a week or so, because I’m still in school, but uhhh-
DAVE: We’d be on the whole tour if it weren’t you, asshole!
C: -But if your friends in Brand New and The Movielife ask you to go on tour with them, you say, "Yes, I will do whatever you want me to, thank you." But this has only been our second show and we only have three more to go? [Looks at Dave, who is obviously not caring about anything Chuck is saying.]
E: How has the response been?
C: You know what?
D: What?!
C: I went on this whole diatribe last night around 4 in the morning on…well, like…I’m an artsy guy and I want people to like us for what we’re doing, you know what I mean? So, I’ve always felt that exposure is the best way to do that. Even if you’re playing for like, hundreds of kids and only five of them like you, I think that’s awesome. But like, playing with these guys (Brandnew), they’re obviously going to play to a good amount of people every night and we’re going to get some good exposure from that, which rocks. We’re not really anything like them, though, but yeah [Finally realizing he’s babbling]…IN SUMATION, the response has been super good. I don’t know what to chalk that up to, though, that’s just me, I don’t know if we’ve played too good, and I don’t know if I should chalk it up to that or if I should chalk it up to who we’re playing with.
E: Well, I saw you guys last night in Austin, and I must say that tonight was WAY better.
C: Tonight was way better. Even though my drums fell apart during the last two songs.
E: But that’s what made it so good! Insanity rules.
D: Yeah, there were some not good things…
C: But we made up for it towards the end, I think.
D: But we took that moment of pure shit and turned it into, what I think, one of my favorite moments of gold of like, ever being in a band.
C: You said, "moments of gold," dude.
D: Yeah! I said "moments of gold," why not? But honestly…
C: [interrupting Dave] Let me tell you Emily…I’m a badass by nature, okay? So when things go awry, my badass-ness kicks in.
D: Like tonight, one of my cords was unplugged, so I looked over to the side of the stage, because Brian Lane from Brandnew was standing over there at the beginning of the show, and I looked over out of the corner of my eye, but he wasn’t there. So I was like, "Shit, what am I gonna do?!", and I started acting all confused and lost and scared, I looked around for any of the other guys for help and then I started singing the third verse instead of the second verse and I was like, "OH NO." But through all of that shit something great came out of it, and we rocked it.
C: Yeah, I had a blast.
E: How long have you guys been around? Honestly, I’d heard of you over the past year, but I hadn’t really HEARD you until recently.
C: Uhhhhhh…
D: About three years.
C: It doesn’t seem like it’s been three years, but yeah; about three years.
D: We played our first show about three years ago.
E: What was your worst show like?
D: Ahhhh, man! Definitely our first show.
C: We had an onstage fight.
E: What caused it?
D: Just like, we’d never really had a band fight before, so it was bound to happen.
[Meanwhile, Brendan (guitarist from OI and, coincidentally, Chuck’s cousin) walks by and realizes that he has not been included in his own band’s interview, so he starts yelling.]
BRENDAN: [sarcastically] DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! THEY’RE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES! I DIDN’T WANT TO BE INTERVIEWED BY - wait. What site do you write for?
C: [laughing] Don’t listen to him…
E: I write for Punknews.org.
B: Oh! WELL! I DIDN’T WANT TO-
C: Just don’t pay attention. [laughs] Anyway, we were going to play a song that we normally don’t play, because the band that we’re on tour with - [completely changes the subject mid sentence] Like, we have this problem where we fall in love with every single dude of every single band we ever spend more than like, two days with. So this one dude was like, "You know what song of yours we love?" So we were going to play this song that we had only played live about two times before, we were…I mean…I think we were in a little drunk - not in the, "hey! Let’s party and cause lots of trouble"-kind of way, but it was one of our first shows with this band, and they were one of those bands that you can get really drunk with and they can mess up your life and everyone’s life, but after that you’re like, dudes for life. So that night, we were bonding with these guys, who I couldn’t believe were with us-[to someone else] Oh, hey! So Dave was like, "Yeah, we’ll play the song, why not?" And we tried to play the song and we like, screwed it to hell. All the guys were out of tune, I was offbeat, and it was all just a big mess.
D: I was using some other guy’s guitars and I didn’t check to make sure they were in tune, and so I was totally out of tune. I was just trying to play, but eventually I was just like, "Goodbye."
E: So, wait. [Intentionally twisting his words] You said that you fall in love with every dude that you tour with?
C: Yes, I did say that; but please don’t print this out of context! [Laughs]
D: Yeah, like every band we tour with, we fall in love with. I’ve known the Brandnew guys for a long time and I toured with them a bunch during the summer and we toured a lot back in the day and we’ve known each other. So we’ve only been on the road with them for about three or four days and it still feels like we’ve known them for ten years. It’s like, all the bands from the east coast are really cool, and no barriers need to be broken down, it’s just like, "Yeah! What’s up?!" With the bands that we’ve toured with, it doesn’t matter that we’re from somewhere else and they’re from somewhere else; because we’re all there for the same reasons and we all have the same mindset and we all just fuckin party with a bunch of friends and have a good time and make good music. The same thing goes with playing the show, kids come to have a good time, and you know what I mean?
C: [interrupting Dave’s "diatribe"] And just for the record…I fall in love with a girl every night, as well. However, this does not mean that I am bi-sexual; it only means that I am very straight and very hetero. Ummm…more importantly, every night I fall in love with a girl [looks over at Dave]…
D: I’m not a girl, Chuck.
E: So, are you the sex maniac on this tour?
[All people within listening range burst into laughter; Dave being the loudest of them all.]
D: OH MY GOD! SHE JUST ASKED THAT?!
C: Oh, okay…I can’t believe that, a.) I can’t believe that someone could have the…[searching for the word]…
E: Audacity?
C: I’m gonna say…the AUDACITY to say the word - I’m not even gonna say it! [More laughter] To say the word "BJ", onstage to these people…I was…SHOCKED!
E: Oh, you’re talking about the remark Jesse (Brandnew) made?
C: Yeah! I was absolutely shocked.
D: Can we say in this interview, "Fuck Jesse Lacey?"
E: [About to lose all composure] Yes! Of course!
D: Okay! Wait, I’ll say, "I love Jesse Lacey, but FUCK JESSE LACEY." You have to print it in big letters where I exaggerated the tone in my voice.
E: Okay, okay…I can TOTALLY do that. [laughs harder]
C: I’ll give you some dirt, okay?
E: SURE! I want some dirt on Jesse. We’ll consider this payback for not sitting down for an interview with me tonight like he had promised me he would. Go for it.
C: Alright, this is what I’ve found about Jesse…This dude cannot go one night without talking about - onstage - I mean, in everyday life, everyone talks about everything. I mean, I talk about it, sometimes we have group talks about it and that’s cool…But ONSTAGE this dude cannot, in his life, go without talking about blowjobs, and you can quote me on that, you can ask around, or you can see for yourself…anyway, what was the question? What was it about "action"?
[Chuck’s obliviousness makes Dave: die laughing and makes me a very satisfied journalist.]
E: Yes, but you answered it just fine. I only wanted to get some blackmail on Jess, and I got it, so thank you Chuck.
C: HEY!
[All the guys look at Chuck and (almost in unison) cry, "OOOOoooohhhhhh!", and poor Chuck is left with the feelings of guilt and regret…well maybe not, because we were all still laughing pretty hard. Yay, Chuck!]
E: How about you make up a question to ask Dave and then you can be the interviewer?
C: After you tricked me?!
E: SURE!
C: Okay…Dave, from Orange Island…
D: Emily, you’re just causing trouble, you know that, don’t you?
E: Let the man ask his question!
C: What would you say would have to be your favorite thing about being in this band with your good friend, Charles Young?
[Before Dave could answer, Vinnie (Brandnew) comes over to the booth where we all resided.]
VIN: [After grabbing the tape recorder from my hands] Is this an Orange Island interview? Because, fuck Orange Island!!!
[All laugh]
D: Did he just say, "Suck" Orange Island?!
V: FUCK!!!
C: Yes, Emily…you know Vin.
E: Indeed, I do.
V: [In a weird, raspy, deep…and STRANGE, almost-Asian voice] HEY. I’M - uhhhh - I’M THE BASSIST FROM ORANGE ISLAND, AND I SAY - WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IS, GET INTO ORANGE ISLAND. WE’VE HAD A LOT OF TOUGH TIMES, THAT IS WHY WE ARE CALLED "THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA" [everyone is overcome by screaming laughter] WE ARE KNOWN AS "THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA" BECAUSE THERE WAS A SHORT TIME IN OUR CAREER WHEN WE HAD TO WALK AROUND WITH PANS AND STICKS TO PLAY THE DRUMS…
D: [Laughing so hard, he’s practically crying] Oh shit.
E: Sticks?
V: YES. BIG ONES.
E: Oh. [Tries to keep a straight face] Go on, please.
V: THANK YOU. WE ACTUALLY HAD TO TAKE LARGE LEAVES AND STRIP THEM INTO GUITAR STRINGS, AND - uhhhh - THE KIDS HELPED US OUT. EVERYWHERE WE WENT THERE WAS SOMEONE THERE AND THEY BELIEVED IN US AND WE ARE IN EVERYONE’S HEARTS AND - uhhhh - WHAT THEY SAID WAS THAT OUR PRIDE WAS AMERICAN PRIDE. THEREFORE, WE WERE KNOWN AS "THE CHILDREN OF AMERICA." AND - uhhh -
D: We are "The Children of America!!!"
V: AND WE ARE GOING TO PERSUE OUR CAREERS AS MUCH AS WE CAN AND MAYBE, ONE DAY, I CAN PLAY WITH A REAL DRUMSTICK.
D: [still crying…I mean, laughing.] I thought you said you were the bassist?!
V: Ummm, yeah. [Shakes his head and gets back into character.] I’M TRYING TO GET STICKS FOR MY…DRUM BASSIST.
E: Well that’s fucked up.
V: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SIGUR ROS?
E: Yes, I have.
V: THEY ARE A WONDERFUL BAND AND THEIR BASSIST; HE ACTUALLY PLAYS WITH A DRUMSTICK ON ONE OR TWO OF THE SONGS. I AM THAT BASSIST!!! [Speaking is mismatched sentence fragments] I AM THE DRUM…I AM THE GUITAR…I AM THE GUITAR ISLAND…
E: Okay, Vin…[still laughing] Give me back the recorder. I can interview you later, okay? You can go on and on about being a…whatever the hell you are; but we can do it later.
V: Fuck you.
[Vin leaves the room, while at the same time, leaves our whole group in a state of "What the hell just happened here??!"-shock. A brief pause and then the interview resumed.]
D: Wow. Ummm…
C: [Sarcastically] Vin is, obviously, the "moody one" of the crew. He’s got bad moodswings.
D: He’s fun to sleep with. (note: Honestly, I can’t tell exactly what he says here, but this is pretty close…hahahaha, I’m evil.) I’ve slept with him many times and he’s fine…let me tell you. Wait, can you print that?
E: We’ll print anything. (Editor’s note: Ha.)
C: She knows we’re joking.
D: But it’s true! It’s all very, very true!
C: We’re all joking…this is all a big joke… [Rolls his eye and makes an exaggerated face]
D: Dude! Again! [laughter]
E: So in a fight between Orange Island and Brandnew, Which band would win?
C: I’m just gonna - okay. This is a great question, because I get to use this line that I invented myself…Which is…
E: Oh, fabulous.
C: …I think I would win.
[The laughing never stops, folks.]
D: Oh god.
C: Dude. This is just me and this is the line I made up, alright? [Dramatic pause inserted here] "If you have guns like these-" [motions to his biceps] wait. Okay, here it is - "What’s the point of having guns like these if you don’t get to fire them off every once in a while?"
E: [Totally lying] Alright! That was good!
C: [Looking quite pleased with himself] Right! So, yes, in retrospect, I would win. Thank you.
D: Yes, I’m pretty sure he’d kick our asses, too.
E: Just wipe out the whole band.
D: Yes, totally.
C: They used to call me "The Tornado."
E: Umm, why?
D: [Saving the day by changing the subject] Did you know that our drummer and our guitar player are cousins?
E: [Once again, lying] No, really?!
D: Yes! Isn’t that fantastic?
E: Absolutely.
C: Well, yes. We like to keep it in the family. We also like to keep it tight and in charge.
E: Tell me, real quickly, how do Casey and Iodine Records treat you guys? Do you like your label? Or do you want to trash talk Casey like you did Jesse?
[Laughing]
C: Three words - "L", "U", "V".
D: That’s "love."
C: And I’m done with this question, this question is answered.
D: "U-N-I-T-Y." Unity, my friend, just like Queen Latifa once said…I think. You know, Casey is possibly the greatest human being that’s ever walked the face of the earth. He may be very, very hairy [Everyone says, "EWWW!!!"], but at the same time [Brian from Brandnew sits on Dave’s lap and joins in] he’s no Brian Lane, let me tell you. No, but seriously, Casey has treated us probably greater than anyone will ever treat us, and he was one of the first people who ever truly believed in us.
C: That’s beautiful, man.
BRIAN: I’m like, crying.
E: What’s something that most people don’t know about you guys?
C: What you should learn from me is that I tend to ramble on if ever given the chance.
E: [Sarcastically] No way!
C: Anyhoo, from the beginning, Casey was like, to me, a.) "record a record, give it to me and I will put it out." That’s all I wanted from him, that’s all I expected from him, but he not only released our record, he also busted his ass for us. He took promo pictures for us, he did all things for us…He is just awesome.

And that’s where the fun ends…God bless broken digital audio recorders, and Casey Horrigan is just awesome.