CHUCK: Hello, and welcome to Punknews.org's wide world of sports! I'm Chuck Polygranopolis, alongside my partner Frank Terhanian, and we'll be calling the Slowride/Eniac fight today. Frank?
FRANK: Two bands. One slab of black vinyl. One song each. Who will win the battle of the split 7"?
ANNOUNCER: In the Red Corner, from down and dirty Dallas, weighing in at the combined weight of three members plus instruments - Deep Elm's *only* pop-punk band, we have Slowride-e-e-e-e-e...
ANNOUNCER: And in the Blue Corner, tipping the scales at four members plus instruments, claiming Denton, Texas as their place of residence, the unknown, unproven, and potentially unfuckwithable Eniac!
[audience claps politely]
CHUCK: Well Frank, Slowride obviously has the advantage right off the bat in the name recognition department. The band's been around for longer and has done more touring than Eniac. They also got signed to Deep Elm last year, who has released their most recent full length last year.
FRANK: You are correct there, Chuck, but let's not forget that Slowride's most recent output [a split CD with Red Animal War] was not up to par with their full-length. They seem to be on a bit of a losing streak, let's see if they can turn it around here.
CHUCK: Alright, the referee has rung the bell, and Slowride has come out with "What Happened To All The Cool People."
FRANK: Wow, Chuck, this is a terrible choice for Slowride. The band is primarily a Jawbreaker-influenced pop-punk band, but this song doesn't show one bit of that. It's grungy, slow, monotonous, and way too long. It's not looking good for Slowride, it's like they already have one fist tied behind their backs.
CHUCK: Flipping the record over, we find Eniac coming charging out of their corner, ready to fight.
FRANK: Their song is called "Parker's Sister," and it's a haymaker of a tune. Employing an upbeat tempo with dual guitars and dual vocals, this emo/pop-punk gem is a song I would have drooled over if it was 1998.
CHUCK: I agree, Frank. While the song is admirable, it seems a bit out-of-place in today's musical climate. Regardless, Eniac's enthusiam and youthful exuberace get a first round KO over the aging veterans in Slowride.
FRANK: I guess it's back to the drawing board for the Dallas threesome, don't you think?
CHUCK: I'd say so, Frank. I'd say so.