”She slices, dices, and more. She can handle any household chore, and I love the feel of her stainless steel when we’re rolling around on the floor.” - Mr. T Experience
New Found Glory, Ataris, and Mest bust out your pen and notepad, cause you’re about to be schooled.
Attention class, welcome to the new semester here at Punk Rock College. It’s a brand new year and you all look very excited to be here. I noticed you all passed Punk Rock 101 and 201 last semester; as you all have the “Emo” look down pat, very original! Well let’s cut to the chase – My name is Dr. Frank and I will be your professor for “How to Write a Punk Rock Album About Girls” this term. I have an extensive background, which includes a Ph. D. at the University of California in Berkley and several classic albums under my belt. This class will not be long and enduring, in fact this class is only two sessions long, a 40-minute lecture and then a final exam.
Ok, class. If you would please turn your books “Revenge is Sweet and so are You” to page five, we will begin. This chapter is titled “Here She Comes” and we will dissect this pop-punk gem. It begins with a nice little drum kick then followed by the rest of the instruments that pull of that Ramones-ish touch oh so very well. Then soft yet powerful voice kicks in so romantically with “She’s so hot and I love her a lot. She’s got everything I haven’t got like savoir faire, and joie de vivre, and je ne sais quote like you wouldn’t believe.” This is a class about learning the systematic procedure to writing a Punk album about chicks and it doesn’t get much better than this song!
Chapter Two kicks off with some crunchy guitar action and continues with the tales of a romance that would make any girl shiver if you whispered them in her ears. I’m gonna shave off my beard. And I’ll try not to act to weird. Then I’m gonna kiss her tenderly, so don’t ask her if she’s free.” Shakespeare only wishes he had the God given talent that the Mr. T Experience Starship illustrates.
In the art of song writing about love, passion is often replaced with despise and your modern day Emo prodigy dreams of the day he could write a song like “Love is Dead.” ” Emotional vertigo was never supposed to happen this time…” A true tearjerker if one was ever written.
I pick up my lecture at Chapter Nine. Every novel has that certain point where the plot is really defined and the story begins to unfold. This is usually the point where you can tell whether the text was a worthy read or not; “Swiss-Army Girlfriend” does just that. It’s an appraisal of love that one could actually fall in love with the author just by reading the words to this fast paced straightforward song. Joel and Jym showcase their musical talents so well that it shows up those of their contemporaries The Queers, Green Day, and Screeching Weasel. Just listen to that guitar solo near the end and the constant uproar of the drum set. However, this class is more about the love than it is the rock and that’s where this tune destroys any Punk Rock love song ever! ”She’s my Swiss-Army girlfriend. She’s in my dresser drawer and I’m all hers and we’ve got a universe to explore.” The words are delivered in a tone so poised and compelling and are shadowed by “oooo ooohs.” Do I have to draw a diagram? When I’m out of luck or in a jam she can get me hot and out of tight spots and she’s ready whenever I am.” That is just another example of the sweet sensitive libretto that the MTX is capable of gracing our ear drums with.
I will be skipping over several chapters for time constraint reasons, however I urge you to read them on your own as their will be a final exam on all of the material so amorously written in this masterpiece. Not often is it possible for a record to be so good by simply just reading the lyrics and it glorifies it’s self when the music is of Pop-Punk mastery. Now the part that has your hearts pumping more than even lines like “Let me tell you honey how it’s gonna be. You’re gonna sit around all night and watch tv: American Ninja II and I will be with you.” The Final Exam. Your task is not a difficult one, simply just never EVER pollute the airwaves with garbage love songs without first consulting this album. The world is filled with Pop-Punk mediocrity and those bands would just take some time out of their lives to sit down and read this 16 Chapter classic the used record bin wouldn’t be collecting so much dust.