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Paulson

Variations (2004)
Initial Records

Reviewer Rating:

Contributed by: KirbyPuckett
(others by this writer | submit your own)

Published on July 9th 2004

My fellow reviewer Scott received $0.67 when he traded Paulson’s Variations in. After listening to the record on my way home from work today (not recommended as it causes nausea), I knew that I too would be visiting my favorite used record store to obtain the same $0.67. With all that money headed my way my mind raced like a thirteen year old boy after receiving that sweet cash for my birthday, I began to weigh my options…

For a whopping $0.67 I would be able to purchase something from the following list:

• Two packets of Kool Aid (Tropical Punch of course)
• A stamp to send my grandmother a letter
• Two gumballs
• The PA sales tax (7%) on a $9.00 item
• Imprint a penny with a design at those tourist penny smashing machines
• Green peppers as a topping on the pizza I just ordered
• A bouncy ball
• A bag of Doritos or a can of Pepsi from the vending machine at work
• A condom at a rest stop, ribbed
• There is a penny candy store down the street, hmm…
• A pencil
• The gas it would cost me to drive to Wal-Mart to find something to spend $0.67 on

I have a lot of choices ahead of me or I could just keep the album, I mean there are pictures of an attractive girl wrapped in cellophane decorating the insert (that’s one way to sell a record). However, it’s what has been recorded onto the compact disc that turns my stomach at the thought of keeping this coaster. Some parts of Variations follow along the pathway of today’s emo, while those variant parts including blithe vocals, out of place synth keys, banal screaming, slow guitars, all creating an atmosphere that will suffocate your ears. The eerie album-intro “Diarlyland” is the only decent track and that’s because there’s no maddening vocals to deal with.

Often bands try too hard to differentiate themselves from the pack of musicians that all sound the same. Roadblocks are reached when these groups begin to think the more odd and unstructured the music the better it will sound. Quite often there will be those who succeed at that, in Paulson’s case it’s completely opposite. There’s no heart behind these songs either, I put more passion into tying my shoes this morning than there is on any of the ten recordings. For proof, the title of track eight is “Optimism is for Stupid Idiots.”

Save your money, don’t buy this or you’ll be questioning how to spend your $0.67 when you go to dump this off for some other poor soul.

Now what should I go get…

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Anonymous (December 8, 2005)

So uh, paulson is amazing. Its pathetic that if your going to review music, you should appreciate a good find. Its too bad when they become even more famous and amazing than they are at this moment, your gonna be sitting on your computer chair thinking "damn, if only id given them a worthy review... Then i wouldve meant something to a worthy fan. "

soulbleed (October 26, 2004)

another great piece of evidence that indeed provdes kirby is the dumbest person on earth. what a fucking joke.

Anonymous (October 25, 2004)

Anyone that gives Relient K three stars should not even be allowed to give their opinion on what good music is let alone write it on a website.

This review is something I'd expect to be written by a 13-year-old in a middle school newspaper. Even they would probably use the thesaurus better.

Oh and by the way, I don't think I've ever met a band more passionate about their music or their fans. Well, whatever. The points you made didn't make sense anyway. They try too hard to be different yet they have no passion and are too "blithe" and "banal"?

Take your $0.67 cents and put it towards a Good Charlotte CD so you can give them a four star review as well.

Anonymous (September 1, 2004)

this album was great these guys are awsome and really cool in person so dont go dissin on them just because there not your typicall "emo" or whatever bad

FeatheredMullet (July 15, 2004)

hey did you ever watch Full House with one John Stamos. He is a multi talented musician who seems to think he is part of the beach boys. If you ever need someone to sit in to fill in for somebody in the band - you should consider him. Maybe his coolness would rub off on you.

Anonymous (July 15, 2004)

Didn't this same reviewer give a good score to the Zebrahead DVD? Are you fucking kidding me!?

Anonymous (July 14, 2004)

my band played with this band several times, and they really blew. and someone in the band has a fucked up face, i swear!!!

kirbypuckett (July 13, 2004)

Allegheny Sales Tax...my blow!

- Kirby

Anonymous (July 13, 2004)

Maybe he meant in Philadelphia. I know it's 7% there.

Anonymous (July 12, 2004)

I'm glad that i'm not the only one who's fucking psyched for some bouncy balls right now.

Anonymous (July 12, 2004)

The PA sales tax is 6%.

Anonymous (July 11, 2004)

these guys seriously fucking suck...

Anonymous (July 11, 2004)

this album is awesome and you didn't make any valids points in your criticism. since when is music not heart-felt solely because the title of the track is witty? you criticize Pauslon for not fitting the boring, conventional, lyrically cliche mold that the popular bands have fallen into these days. on the contrary, their music is actually well-structured and incredibly interesting and these guys make up one of the most talented emerging bands out there. i hope you readers don't take everything he says as fact and go out there, buy the album, and appreciate its amazingness.

Anonymous (July 10, 2004)

i saw this band at a fest my band played and they were alright live...but yeah this recording isnt too hot

Anonymous (July 10, 2004)

The cover art makes me want to masturbate onto a picture of Dustin Diamond

Anchors (July 9, 2004)

Score is for the review, tropical punch kool-aid, and bouncy balls.

Jesse (July 9, 2004)

Get the Kool Aid, then cut it with drano and cocaine. Then proceed to snort the lines off of spinning Led Zeppelin records.

OKSoda (July 9, 2004)

"Among the flavors offered by Star Spangled Ice Cream: 'I Hate The French VANILLA (Real American Vanilla, NOT French Vanilla)' and 'Nutty Environmentalist (Rich Buttery Ice Cream with Roasted Pecans).'"

After reading that article you posted Kirby, I sort of want to throw up... or develop a car bomb. This all seems sort of petty. Worst of all, you know people are just going to eat this stuff up. I mean, shit, I just ordered 2 bottles.

"W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American."

CrookedSuperhero (July 9, 2004)

Those pennys are shit, the bouncy ball would blow you mind. Go for it.

kirbypuckett (July 9, 2004)

This review isn't funny, but this is:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1516&e=1&u =/afp/20040709/od_afp/us_vote_food_040709154454

- Kirby