The Knights of the New Crusade - A Challenge to the Cowards of Christendom (Cover Artwork)

The Knights of the New Crusade

The Knights of the New Crusade: A Challenge to the Cowards of ChristendomA Challenge to the Cowards of Christendom (2006)
Alternative Tentacles

Reviewer Rating: 4

Contributed by: FuckYouOiOiOiFuckYouOiOiOi
(others by this writer | submit your own)

The Knights of the New Crusade are a Christian rock band unlike any other. While most Christian bands draw the line at spreading a 'positive' messge, the Knights not only cross this line -- they blow it into the ground and make these other so-called 'Christain rock' bands look cowardly and phony. Th.
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The Knights of the New Crusade are a Christian rock band unlike any other. While most Christian bands draw the line at spreading a 'positive' messge, the Knights not only cross this line -- they blow it into the ground and make these other so-called 'Christain rock' bands look cowardly and phony. They even go as far as to call out and ridicule these 'sellout' Christian bands on the title track in which they mock their detractors: "'You'll never get signed to a major label playing that kind of music.' Good! I don't need that kind of temptation in my life!" Aside from phony Christain bands, they condemn: war ("Some of the people that get on our case for being Knights are under the influence of the same war-mongering demons as the politicians who ignore the commandments that Jesus affirmed"), hypocritical Christain profiteers ("You don't post record earnings by telling people to give their wealth to the poor"), hipsters, hedonistic women ("when I see her around town, she's doing things to make the devil proud"), drugs, divorce and pornography ("let's outlaw divorce and pornography"). They advocate the death penalty and are all-out supporters of Jesus and a literal interpretation of the Bible.

That is, if this isn't some sort of elaborate joke. You see, the Knights are so over-the-top that one must wonder if they are being serious. First of all, they are signed to Jello Biafra's Alternative Tentacles, which makes them labelmates with Leftover Crack. The album art looks like a pamphlet from some Bible-beating Christian group and comes complete with Biblic verse references, some of which (Keep It Real: Psalms 10:7) make no sense. They dress like crusaders (go to their website and you'll see what I mean). And some of the lyrics are so ridiculous it had me laughing 'till my sides hurt (i.e. "Why Do You Want to Go to Hell?").

But enough about the message; the music is just too damn fun to overlook. With the exception of "The Big Man" (which can only be described as gospel-punk), A Challenge to the Cowards of Christendom is a straight-forward garage punk album ranging from fast ("What Part of Thou Shalt Not Kill Don't You Understand?") to slower ("When the Knights are Low"). This combined with the vocal energy and production value of an `80s skatepunk band and 13 songs clocking in at 26 minutes makes A Challenge to the Cowards of Christendom a fun, rawking album.

So, maybe this is a joke, maybe it isn't. But the Knights of the New Crusade are the most pissed-off, eyebrow-raising Christian rock band ever. If they all sounded like this, maybe I'd enjoy going to church.


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Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not respon sible for them in any way. Seriously.
The_wang (October 29, 2006)

'Will, seriously, how can you say something like that?
I'm pretty sure you havn't heard more than 10-20% of nordic black metal, so that's a pretty dumb thing to say.'

i'm sure you haven't heard more than 10-20% of punk, ergo you cannot make a statement regarding it?

score is for the knights, whether joke or not, they still rock

cjmarsicano (July 17, 2006)

Good review, but listen to "What Part Of Thou Shalt Not Kill Don't You Understand" again and you'll note that at the end of the first verse, they condemn the death penalty as well. Not sure why you thought they support it.

SlowStupidHungry (July 17, 2006)


What's dumb? The anti-political shock tactics of Mayhem are nothing on the very real racism of bands like Der Sturmer and Xenophobia. I see what Mayhem/Darkthrone/etc. did as an extension of Slayer, whereas I see the Pagan Front movement as outright racist hatred.

givemeamuseumandillfillit (July 17, 2006)

Will, seriously, how can you say something like that?
I'm pretty sure you havn't heard more than 10-20% of nordic black metal, so that's a pretty dumb thing to say.

FuckYouOiOiOi (July 16, 2006)

i'm not so sure this is a joke cause they're stated objective, to take christianity out of the hands of war mongerers and profiteers, seems pretty sensible.

also, i agree with the people saying this was a great review. score is for the review.

lol_omg_wtf_nambla (July 16, 2006)

That video: fucking sweet! Also, they're playing at Gilman with the Phenomenauts in September. This is pretty clearly a joke, but they obvioulsy know their bible nonetheless. Just 'cause they can quote some of the ol' Good News doesn't mean they're in the Fallwell camp. The Hold Steady anyone? I'll bet you these guys were raised Christian (as I was) and decided to put some of that otherwise useless knowledge to a fun use. God bless 'em too.

Anonymous (July 16, 2006)

Great review, I'll definitely check this out.

SlowStupidHungry (July 16, 2006)

"Mayhem were Nazis. Boo-urns to ultra-conservative black metal."

Yes, Jesse, some guys in Mayhem were Nazis. But you wouldn't know that unless you owned Burzum records or bought into the big myth.

I don't care what anyone says, best metal band of the last century. Metal isn't supposed to be smart or admirable. It's supposed to be ugly, underproduced, childish, fucked up, hateful noise.

Anonymous (July 16, 2006)

"Our music may be garbage, but everything in this world is garbage compared to god."
Love that comment.


R3venge_Therapy (July 16, 2006)

I found this album to be rather entertaining.

And there's no way it's not a joke.

Jesse (July 16, 2006)

Mayhem were Nazis. Boo-urns to ultra-conservative black metal.

danperrone (July 16, 2006)

being a catholic is still cool

steveman (July 15, 2006)

The article on their website, from Maximum Rock and Roll is hilarious.

steveman (July 15, 2006)


Anonymous (July 15, 2006)

Good review dude!!! proud of ya!

Anonymous (July 15, 2006)

this was a very very great review. I enjoy your work. Good job.

SlowStupidHungry (July 15, 2006)

Boba Fett... Before you try to show us all up with what you learned at sunday school, maybe you should take the time to understand that this is a joke band.

I would, though, believe that the Bible passively condones warfare and capital punishment. It's a bunch of backwards literature from thousands of years ago... Much like if people decided to live their lives by the old viking sagas or something... Hm, I think I'm gonna go listen to some Mayhem now.

GreenVandal (July 15, 2006)

this shit is fucking awesome. I don't care if it is a joke or not, I love these guys! I'll still laugh either way :D

TraumaSponge (July 14, 2006)

I love this band, they're so nuts and they actually play some really good rock and roll.

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

It IS utterly rediculous... and awesome!

HeresLookinAtYou (July 14, 2006)

this looks so utterly ridiculous and bad

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

oh.. and yeah. it's on alternative tentacles!!! anyone that thinks its serious after they see that, knows nothing.

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

you guys that don't believe this is a joke are fucking dumb. the joke about it is that they're never going to say "THIS IS A JOKE". because then it wouldn't be funny to anyone that actually GETS it. they've researched the joke really well and i guess its kind of like hilarious theater every day they play.

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

I highly doubt this is a joke. Check out the AT website, they even legit responses to peoples "concerns" about them being christians. THey don't try to play out as a joke, they actually seem to have deep religous faith and want to reflect christianity better.

Jesse (July 14, 2006)

For any who doubt the joke, visit their website. It's cheesey camp to the max. All the photos are of them in actual knight suits. And they have an article from Maximum Rock 'n Roll about them up there, with all the swear words crossed out.

boba_fett (July 14, 2006)

last comment here: the king james version seems to have translated it incorrectly.

Indeed, "kill" in English is an all-encompassing verb that covers the taking of life in all forms and for all classes of victims. That kind of generalization is expressed in Hebrew through the verb "harag." However, the verb that appears in the Torah's prohibition is a completely different one, " ratsah" which, it would seem, should be rendered "murder." This root refers only to criminal acts of killing.

It is, of course, not just a question of etymology. Those ideologies that adduce the commandment in support of their gentle-hearted causes are compelled to feign ignorance of all those other places in the Bible that condone or command warfare, the slaughter of sacrificial animals, and an assortment of methods for inflicting capital punishment.

boba_fett (July 14, 2006)

ok, so the king james version does translate it 'thou shalt not kill'.

im still looking into it.

boba_fett (July 14, 2006)

i would just liek to point out that as far as i know, the bible never says 'thou shalt not kill'. the actual commandment reads 'thou shalt not murder'. there is a huge difference. the bible does not condemn war or killing in self defense. the isrealites went to war many times in the bible, and god used war to bring about judgement.

so get it right.

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

From the interviews I've heard, they seem pretty serious...

Either way, joke or not, this band is pretty creative... and fucking hilarious.


Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

Anyone remember the Yuppie Pricks? Irony-core!!

feeeding5000 (July 14, 2006)

Have you heard interviews with the Knights? They sound pretty serious about it, and actually quote obscure bible verses and such.

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

I can't believe how stupid some people are! It's on Alternative Tentacles for fuck's sake! There's no "IF" about it, it IS a joke. It's as blatant as "my mother in law is so fat..." jokes. Jesus!

Anonymous (July 14, 2006)

I found the funniest christian pamphlet in the bathroom of the local airport about 2 months ago. Its all about 2 tough-ass truckers finding jesus. It actually has the line, "Shoot, Jimbo! You're going to hell on a greased pole!!" It alone is funnier than the last 10 years of SNL.


Archangel (July 14, 2006)

If it IS a joke, then it's absolutely hilarious.

Jesse (July 14, 2006)

Yeah, it is a joke. Yuppie Pricks, anyone?

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