No, Jesse, you just don't understand black metal.

Yeah, those are okay stoner metal songs. Black Sabbath helped influence stoner metal with their slow, bassy take on hard rock. Doesn't make them metal.

And certainly obsolete compared to the likes of Mayhem!

Will doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He can be all cool'n shit, but give credit where credit's due. Ask any band that you think is super cool'n stuff, yo, but they'll all tell you the same thing: Sabbath.

Sabbath was just hard rock?

Listen to "Sweet Leaf," "Hole in the Sky," or "Symptom of the Universe."

METAL.

Black Sabbath were just a hard rock band, nothing more. Some good songs, but really... The idea of flipping "Paranoid" for the metal aspect is so obsolete.

-William Marinovic

Hells yes, Greg. Bloomington PN represent!

By the way, you can say all those other bands helped invent metal, but if you listen to Sabbath compared to the other bands, Sabbath truely played completely differently. They abandoned the song structures of slowed down bllues rock and pumped up the riffs. Just listen to "War Pigs," "Black Sabbath," "Nativity in Black," or "Paranoid." No other band from that time period even sounds like that.

And Bloodrock? Don't try to namedrop those dudes around me. They were just trying to be cool, and never were.

i don't even know what this is supposed to sound like with all the loose band comparisons

For one, Black Sabbath did not invent metal. They, along with Bloodrock and many lesser known bands of the era, just played psychedelic blues rock at a slow, crushing pace. They didn't invent it, it happened naturally.

Not to mention, just because they helped to create the genre doesn't make them as good as the guys they influenced. I mean, Judas Priest helped create thrash and those guys blow.

If you don't feel like you're in a cavern under the ground summoning dead gods and drinking the blood of christians, you are not listening to troo metal, so fuck off with your over-produced poseur garbage!

Jesse rules all y'all. And we're totally gonna have a bowling team this fall and take you all DOWN!
-Greg

Dude, the one guy shot himself, then the other guy ate his brain, and another guy made a necklace out of his skull. Then the bass player stabbed the other guy 23 times because he was jealous of that guy's reputation as being "more evil."

Alright, now that's genuinely shocking. And disgusting.

Nope, because without Black Sabbath, there wouldn't be metal. They're truly the one band that invented a whole new genre. So why don't you go listen to Sabbath, because without those guys, all your precious, toodley-do, make-up wearing (pansies) black metal ditwads would still be jammin' in hippie bands.

PS- I, as a member of the metal elite, have no interest in listening to any supposedly "metal" rubbish produced for maximum audience appeal on more than 16 tracks. Keep it fucking kvlt! Or should it be fvking kvlt?

Come the fuck on. It's black metal. The only thing that's "retarded" is your level of evilness.

Talk about metal after you've listened to the REAL classics (old Mayhem, Darkthrone, Bathory, etc.). And then listen to modern bands like Bone Awl and Hammer. That's where the troo kvlt shit is at.

Dude, the one guy shot himself, then the other guy ate his brain, and another guy made a necklace out of his skull. Then the bass player stabbed the other guy 23 times because he was jealous of that guy's reputation as being "more evil."

That's just fucking retarded.

Akimbo and Lords are two of the heaviest bands I've ever seen in my life, absolutely frightening to watch on stage, but in real life they're the nicest guys ever. Same deal with Rob Halford.

Killing people sucks. Killing people because you're more jealous of their reputation of being "more evil" is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

this is seriously the funniest thing i've ever read

There's a clear gap between black metal bands that use Nazism as loose shock imagery (Darkthrone, Mayhem, etc.) and bands that are honestly National Socialists (Xenophobia, Der Sturmer).

Yeah that first group are just pussies who couldn't suck it up enough to reach the level of real Nazis. Why listen to some fake ass wanna be who doesn't even have enough nerve to curb stomp some lesser race? It's like drinking generic soda.
-Dante

"You gotta let the outside stuff influence your opinion. That's why I don't dig on Mayhem."

Well for someone who claims to love metal so much, that sure is ignorant. It's called "shock politics," yeah it's dumb, but Slayer and other bands did it before Mayhem.

Not to mention, the entire point of black metal is to be as senselessly, unrelentingly evil as possible. There's a clear gap between black metal bands that use Nazism as loose shock imagery (Darkthrone, Mayhem, etc.) and bands that are honestly National Socialists (Xenophobia, Der Sturmer).

Jesse, good point (and a funny one at that). Obviously there are exceptions, but on occasion I'll be reading a review of yours and it seems as if sometimes you're letting unnecessary things affect your opinion. Of course, I don't have any examples because I don't really take notes when reading reviews so that I can reference them later.

To all my fans –

Thank you, thank you. I appreciate your comments. I write reviews based on how I would want to read one, so it's good knowing that I'm reaching an audience.

To all th' haters –

Just remember, this is only the Internet. Nothing said on the Internet matters.

Hey, when's the last time you listened to a really good Oi band and thought, "You know, I really don't agree with their fascist right wing politics, but damn do I LOVE THIS ALBUM."

You gotta let the outside stuff influence your opinion. That's why I don't dig on Mayhem.

"but this is the best review I've read in months anyway."

It's not a bad review, and it's definitely entertaining, but how can this be the best review you've read in months? It doesn't tell me anything about the band. Even the references to other musicians don't really do much when surrounded by the machine gun assault of half-sentences and exclamation points. Gimmick reviews can be good (see Scott's Wood/Water review), but it's rare.

Dante, I wasn't really referring to this review in particular, just his general attitude seems unwarranted. He talks a lot of shit and then tries to back it up by writing these over the top reviews. His reviews are merely okay, at least he tries to put some thought and originality into them. Unfortunately, they tend to be scored either extremely high or extremely low and often times he lets things outside of the album itself influence his score. So, his credibility (at least in my opinion) is zero because of this. I also don't feel that a review is an appropriate place to talk shit. He treads the same ground that Pitchfork does, where their opinion is shaped by more than just the record they are reviewing.

Posted by WilliamMarinovic on 2006-07-22 02:11:35
My Score:

Shit sandwich.

what i meant was, i'd rather see every single review you write be one and a half stars and hilarious.

i love your reviews, but not your taste in music. so i guess it evens out.

Posted by rinjonjori on 2006-07-21 23:08:11
My Score:

Not a big fan of scissorfight but the review gets 10 stars.

So I like how Jesse gets all this shit for writing really engaging reviews.

I hate Scissorfight, but this is the best review I've read in months anyway.

Great review.

cash_money_hustla, I was under the impression that Jesse liked this band. Even if the review is a little over the top it got a 7/10 and I doubt he would go this far simply to make an ironic joke for a 7/10 (a 4/10 maybe).
But hell, I've never met the guy.
-Dante

Posted by killmequickly on 2006-07-21 15:12:14
My Score:

this band sucks more than any band has ever sucked before, they should all consider suicide

My issue with Jesse is his egotistic, pretentious attitude. To me, he's the very antithesis of what both this site and punk music stand for. Then he tries to justify his behavior by writing these concept reviews. I have no problem with somebody not liking a band or album, but when you begin to attack and belittle people because they happen to have different tastes, thats ridiculous. Especially coming from a staff reviewer.

Have you seen my moooovies?

I know it sounds fun and all the "cool" kids are doing it but scissor fights are just dumb. Seriously, how cool is it going to be when you're 23 and have to wear an eye patch? Wait...that would be pretty cool.

In other news, who are these kids ripping on Jesse's reviews? I've not always agreed, but I ussually like his reviews.
-Dante
P.S. OH! And Jesse got me in to Akimbo. Good muthafuckin choice muthafucka.

I see through you KirbyPuckett! You sign in as "anonymous" (or more accurately sign out), attack the staff members you secretly hate, sign back in and pretend to defend your "friends." For shame Kirby, for shame.

The guy below me must be new and really out of touch.

- Kirby

With all that energy one would think you could channel it into writing a much better review (either positive or negative).

My guess is that you are about 20 years old. If that.

taking the lester bangs thing to the extreme huh? worthless review. swing and a miss.....another strikeout. try it straight up with your own voice, this is just trash-
.rey longfellow.

this review is awesome

please review born to run like this one! haaaa

Wow, this review is even shittier than your normal ones.

i saw this band play with old man gloom and walked out.

Posted by Anonymous on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 12:44 AM (EDT)
My Score:

Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooork.