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Scissorfight - Jaggernaut (Cover Artwork)

Scissorfight

Scissorfight: JaggernautJaggernaut (2006)
Tortuga

Reviewer Rating: 3.5


Contributed by: JesseJesse
(others by this writer | submit your own)

I hate you. I hate your stupid face, and I hate your pasty faced drooling mouth. I think you're a piece of shit and that I'd be better off just puching you in the gonads. You hear me? Now go fucking throw on Scissorfight, dude. Zep lives, man! Throw out the baby with the bathwater, and raise the .
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I hate you. I hate your stupid face, and I hate your pasty faced drooling mouth. I think you're a piece of shit and that I'd be better off just puching you in the gonads. You hear me? Now go fucking throw on Scissorfight, dude.

Zep lives, man! Throw out the baby with the bathwater, and raise the flag brothers! We've got some riff-tastic rock'n'roll for yeh to be blasting out of yer speakers. Every other is a Page riff, every drum beat wouldn't have been possible without Bonham, and the rest is filled in by modern metal history up until this point. Standard low-voiced spoken word, grunt vocals, screams, shouts, minmal singing, and crunching guitars and supa-low bass make this shit the best jock rock metal fudge baloney goo goo g'joob shit that you've ever snorted up yer nose.

Even though "86 Sucker" rips the riff straight from "Livin' Lovin' Maid," it's got that "Highway to Hell" chorus ("Backstabber! I'll make you be what you are!") complete with Plant-style harmonica solos. So grab yer best gal, take her around in your camaro, and then hit it in the backseat while this shit bumps from yer trunk speakers.

Whatever they're not taking straight from tha Zep or AC/DC, they're ripping off from the riff-heavy early tracks from Funhouse, pushing mid-tempos as fast as they could go in `70. And y'know, even though I miss track names like "The Most Dangerous Animal Is Me," off of Mantrapping for Sport and Profit, I think I can handle it seeing as how "Digging Grave" is the best riff-heavy Danzig rip-off I've ever heard in my life.

Pump your fist, pussy! We're starting "Metal Mother," duuuuuuude! Melvins riffs asswipe! Lou Reed vocals. Jesus fuck! Why you makin' this so hard on me? Where the hell's your snake tattoo? Where the hell is your goatee? Sheeee-yut.

Don't even look at me anymore. You make me sick. You're still reading this bullshit while you're supposed to be jammin' this album like Jah Rah Rocker's Delight Dub Mix `72.Chicky-ricky Pum-Pum.

Jesus, don't listen to me. I just write reviews.

 

 
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Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not respon sible for them in any way. Seriously.
SlowStupidHungry (July 25, 2006)

No, Jesse, you just don't understand black metal.

Yeah, those are okay stoner metal songs. Black Sabbath helped influence stoner metal with their slow, bassy take on hard rock. Doesn't make them metal.

And certainly obsolete compared to the likes of Mayhem!

Jesse (July 25, 2006)

Will doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He can be all cool'n shit, but give credit where credit's due. Ask any band that you think is super cool'n stuff, yo, but they'll all tell you the same thing: Sabbath.

Sabbath was just hard rock?

Listen to "Sweet Leaf," "Hole in the Sky," or "Symptom of the Universe."

METAL.

Anonymous (July 25, 2006)

Black Sabbath were just a hard rock band, nothing more. Some good songs, but really... The idea of flipping "Paranoid" for the metal aspect is so obsolete.

-William Marinovic

Jesse (July 24, 2006)

Hells yes, Greg. Bloomington PN represent!

By the way, you can say all those other bands helped invent metal, but if you listen to Sabbath compared to the other bands, Sabbath truely played completely differently. They abandoned the song structures of slowed down bllues rock and pumped up the riffs. Just listen to "War Pigs," "Black Sabbath," "Nativity in Black," or "Paranoid." No other band from that time period even sounds like that.

And Bloodrock? Don't try to namedrop those dudes around me. They were just trying to be cool, and never were.

Anonymous (July 24, 2006)

i don't even know what this is supposed to sound like with all the loose band comparisons

Anonymous (July 24, 2006)

For one, Black Sabbath did not invent metal. They, along with Bloodrock and many lesser known bands of the era, just played psychedelic blues rock at a slow, crushing pace. They didn't invent it, it happened naturally.

Not to mention, just because they helped to create the genre doesn't make them as good as the guys they influenced. I mean, Judas Priest helped create thrash and those guys blow.

If you don't feel like you're in a cavern under the ground summoning dead gods and drinking the blood of christians, you are not listening to troo metal, so fuck off with your over-produced poseur garbage!

greg0rb (July 24, 2006)

Jesse rules all y'all. And we're totally gonna have a bowling team this fall and take you all DOWN!
-Greg

jamespastepunk (July 24, 2006)

Dude, the one guy shot himself, then the other guy ate his brain, and another guy made a necklace out of his skull. Then the bass player stabbed the other guy 23 times because he was jealous of that guy's reputation as being "more evil."

Alright, now that's genuinely shocking. And disgusting.

Jesse (July 24, 2006)

Nope, because without Black Sabbath, there wouldn't be metal. They're truly the one band that invented a whole new genre. So why don't you go listen to Sabbath, because without those guys, all your precious, toodley-do, make-up wearing (pansies) black metal ditwads would still be jammin' in hippie bands.

SlowStupidHungry (July 24, 2006)

PS- I, as a member of the metal elite, have no interest in listening to any supposedly "metal" rubbish produced for maximum audience appeal on more than 16 tracks. Keep it fucking kvlt! Or should it be fvking kvlt?

SlowStupidHungry (July 24, 2006)

Come the fuck on. It's black metal. The only thing that's "retarded" is your level of evilness.

Talk about metal after you've listened to the REAL classics (old Mayhem, Darkthrone, Bathory, etc.). And then listen to modern bands like Bone Awl and Hammer. That's where the troo kvlt shit is at.

Jesse (July 24, 2006)

Dude, the one guy shot himself, then the other guy ate his brain, and another guy made a necklace out of his skull. Then the bass player stabbed the other guy 23 times because he was jealous of that guy's reputation as being "more evil."

That's just fucking retarded.

Akimbo and Lords are two of the heaviest bands I've ever seen in my life, absolutely frightening to watch on stage, but in real life they're the nicest guys ever. Same deal with Rob Halford.

Killing people sucks. Killing people because you're more jealous of their reputation of being "more evil" is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Anonymous (July 23, 2006)

this is seriously the funniest thing i've ever read

Dante3000 (July 23, 2006)

There's a clear gap between black metal bands that use Nazism as loose shock imagery (Darkthrone, Mayhem, etc.) and bands that are honestly National Socialists (Xenophobia, Der Sturmer).

Yeah that first group are just pussies who couldn't suck it up enough to reach the level of real Nazis. Why listen to some fake ass wanna be who doesn't even have enough nerve to curb stomp some lesser race? It's like drinking generic soda.
-Dante

SlowStupidHungry (July 23, 2006)

"You gotta let the outside stuff influence your opinion. That's why I don't dig on Mayhem."

Well for someone who claims to love metal so much, that sure is ignorant. It's called "shock politics," yeah it's dumb, but Slayer and other bands did it before Mayhem.

Not to mention, the entire point of black metal is to be as senselessly, unrelentingly evil as possible. There's a clear gap between black metal bands that use Nazism as loose shock imagery (Darkthrone, Mayhem, etc.) and bands that are honestly National Socialists (Xenophobia, Der Sturmer).

cash_money_hustla (July 23, 2006)

Jesse, good point (and a funny one at that). Obviously there are exceptions, but on occasion I'll be reading a review of yours and it seems as if sometimes you're letting unnecessary things affect your opinion. Of course, I don't have any examples because I don't really take notes when reading reviews so that I can reference them later.

Jesse (July 23, 2006)

To all my fans –

Thank you, thank you. I appreciate your comments. I write reviews based on how I would want to read one, so it's good knowing that I'm reaching an audience.

To all th' haters –

Just remember, this is only the Internet. Nothing said on the Internet matters.

Jesse (July 23, 2006)

Hey, when's the last time you listened to a really good Oi band and thought, "You know, I really don't agree with their fascist right wing politics, but damn do I LOVE THIS ALBUM."

You gotta let the outside stuff influence your opinion. That's why I don't dig on Mayhem.

Scruffy (July 23, 2006)

"but this is the best review I've read in months anyway."

It's not a bad review, and it's definitely entertaining, but how can this be the best review you've read in months? It doesn't tell me anything about the band. Even the references to other musicians don't really do much when surrounded by the machine gun assault of half-sentences and exclamation points. Gimmick reviews can be good (see Scott's Wood/Water review), but it's rare.

cash_money_hustla (July 22, 2006)

Dante, I wasn't really referring to this review in particular, just his general attitude seems unwarranted. He talks a lot of shit and then tries to back it up by writing these over the top reviews. His reviews are merely okay, at least he tries to put some thought and originality into them. Unfortunately, they tend to be scored either extremely high or extremely low and often times he lets things outside of the album itself influence his score. So, his credibility (at least in my opinion) is zero because of this. I also don't feel that a review is an appropriate place to talk shit. He treads the same ground that Pitchfork does, where their opinion is shaped by more than just the record they are reviewing.

SlowStupidHungry (July 22, 2006)

Shit sandwich.

bombshoes (July 22, 2006)

what i meant was, i'd rather see every single review you write be one and a half stars and hilarious.

bombshoes (July 22, 2006)

i love your reviews, but not your taste in music. so i guess it evens out.

rinjonjori (July 21, 2006)

Not a big fan of scissorfight but the review gets 10 stars.

DenBez (July 21, 2006)

So I like how Jesse gets all this shit for writing really engaging reviews.

I hate Scissorfight, but this is the best review I've read in months anyway.

jamespastepunk (July 21, 2006)

Great review.

Dante3000 (July 21, 2006)

cash_money_hustla, I was under the impression that Jesse liked this band. Even if the review is a little over the top it got a 7/10 and I doubt he would go this far simply to make an ironic joke for a 7/10 (a 4/10 maybe).
But hell, I've never met the guy.
-Dante

killmequickly (July 21, 2006)

this band sucks more than any band has ever sucked before, they should all consider suicide

cash_money_hustla (July 21, 2006)

My issue with Jesse is his egotistic, pretentious attitude. To me, he's the very antithesis of what both this site and punk music stand for. Then he tries to justify his behavior by writing these concept reviews. I have no problem with somebody not liking a band or album, but when you begin to attack and belittle people because they happen to have different tastes, thats ridiculous. Especially coming from a staff reviewer.

recordtheory (July 21, 2006)

Have you seen my moooovies?

Dante3000 (July 21, 2006)

I know it sounds fun and all the "cool" kids are doing it but scissor fights are just dumb. Seriously, how cool is it going to be when you're 23 and have to wear an eye patch? Wait...that would be pretty cool.

In other news, who are these kids ripping on Jesse's reviews? I've not always agreed, but I ussually like his reviews.
-Dante
P.S. OH! And Jesse got me in to Akimbo. Good muthafuckin choice muthafucka.

capitalist_pig (July 21, 2006)

I see through you KirbyPuckett! You sign in as "anonymous" (or more accurately sign out), attack the staff members you secretly hate, sign back in and pretend to defend your "friends." For shame Kirby, for shame.

kirbypuckett (July 21, 2006)

The guy below me must be new and really out of touch.

- Kirby

Anonymous (July 21, 2006)

With all that energy one would think you could channel it into writing a much better review (either positive or negative).

My guess is that you are about 20 years old. If that.

Anonymous (July 21, 2006)

taking the lester bangs thing to the extreme huh? worthless review. swing and a miss.....another strikeout. try it straight up with your own voice, this is just trash-
.rey longfellow.

danperrone (July 21, 2006)

this review is awesome

please review born to run like this one! haaaa

Anonymous (July 21, 2006)

Wow, this review is even shittier than your normal ones.

Anonymous (July 21, 2006)

i saw this band play with old man gloom and walked out.

Anonymous (July 21, 2006)

Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooork.

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