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Great Glass Elevator - Our Hands Turn Into Machines (Cover Artwork)

Great Glass Elevator

Great Glass Elevator: Our Hands Turn Into MachinesOur Hands Turn Into Machines (2007)
self-released

Reviewer Rating: 0.5


Contributed by: JesseJesse
(others by this writer | submit your own)

Remember the first time you heard Radiohead when you were ten-years-old and you were like, "Aw shit son, this mo'fucker is off the hook! It's like deep and stuff! They are like talking about stuff and have weird noises or whatever." Apparently, the dudes in Great Glass Elevator didn't hear Radiohead.


Remember the first time you heard Radiohead when you were ten-years-old and you were like, "Aw shit son, this mo'fucker is off the hook! It's like deep and stuff! They are like talking about stuff and have weird noises or whatever." Apparently, the dudes in Great Glass Elevator didn't hear Radiohead when they were ten. If they had, maybe they would have gotten bored with it and moved onto Led Zeppelin and started a party band that we could all get into. But instead of songs about squeezing lemons and stairways to heaven, we've got ourselves a philosophical discourse with the opener "Drunk on Another Planet." I know -- sounds like it could be great. But the song's not about slammin' tallboys with Martians. Instead it's about bad falsetto vocals and Shakespearian couplets like "A lot of men say life is precious / A lot of men say live for every moment." Throw down some really cool guitars with like this sort of background reverb thing on them so that they sound cool or something.

But it gets better! Or worse. Um. "The Rapid Eye Movement" has a triangle in the background. And triangles are cool. There are also a lot of boring harmonies that call back to the era of late `90s radio-core alterna-soft rock. And it's also got a chorus that literally just repeats "The eye is upside down." Nope. The eye, actually, is right side up. We just receive every image through a few different lenses so that inside our heads the image is what's actually upside down. The eyeball is right-side up.

In other news, have you ever tried pooping while eating? It's not very easy. It's a clash of ideologies. Pooping is the body ridding itself of waste. Eating is the process that starts it all off. So try taking a hoagie into the stall with you next time you're at work. Sit down on the throne, and take a bite. In a way, this is directly related to the third song called "Our Hands Turn Into Machines." Two words: shit sandwich.

Spinal Tap jokes aside, we close out with "Let's Pretend," as in, "let's pretend that this band didn't steal this song from the Cooper Temple Clause." Or, "let's pretend that this band poisoned themselves with Chinese toothpaste so that we don't have to hear any new material from them until after they get back from the hospital and have a long hard journey of recovery, proving that Colgate can't keep them down. Or shit, maybe we want Colgate to keep them down. Bed-ridden for six months. And while they're there, I'll stop by with Zeppelin I-IV and we'll teach these weenies to party."

In conclusion, I really just wish this band had named themselves the Chocolate Factory, so that we could make jokes about consensual anal sex that this band most likely enjoys with near underage fans. But not the gay kind of anal sex. The kind of anal sex enjoyed by straight dudes who just want to have their genitals immersed in the part of the human body that expels the feces.

Either way, this EP is available to download for free on their website, so go ahead and get it and we can make fun of it together. It's a win-win situation, because the band will feel good about everyone at least listening to this genital wart of an album.

 


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Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not respon sible for them in any way. Seriously.
faster (October 9, 2007)

I agree with the guy below. Link your band, Jesse.

After all, it can't be much worse than this tripe.

Anonymous (July 25, 2007)

Jesse! Oh Jesse! Thou dost not dissapoint! I don't know if we can pull a quote for our myspace from this review (like we did with the last one) because our mommies and daddies and underage fans might shit rats if they read any of it, but bravo--you definately didn't let me down. By the way, I know it's a tiny error, but the line is "A lot of men SAVOR every moment", not "say live for every moment". Thanks for taking the time.

Love,

David Braun, Great Glass Elevator

PS - Someone told me you used to have a band, you should link everyone up so they can hear it!

brown (July 16, 2007)

This review was just... inspiring.

go-jimmy (July 15, 2007)

Oh well, at least they aren't trying to charge for it.

nocigar (July 14, 2007)

HAHAHAHAH one of the best, if not the best review i've ever read! nice!

Anonymous (July 14, 2007)

I take food into the bathroom all the time. I'm a busy guy, I have to use my time efficiently.

In fact, I'm taking a dump right now. You'd be amazed at how much more productive you can be when you're able to multitask on the thundermug.

Anonymous (July 14, 2007)

Eat me bro'. Why don't you get a date and take a chill pill.
I can only imagine what you listen to. By the way, stick to reviewing Punk.

Anonymous (July 14, 2007)

"Spinal Tap jokes?

Don't you mean "Shark Sandwich" instead of "shit sandwich? I think you do."

Actually he doesn't. In the movie the joke is that the review of "Shark Sandwich" was just "Shit Sandwich."

Anonymous (July 13, 2007)

Spinal Tap jokes?

Don't you mean "Shark Sandwich" instead of "shit sandwich? I think you do.

Anonymous (July 13, 2007)

Wow. Harsh words. If you are looking for a new release for this summer, one of those releases that makes you want to drive fast in the countryside with your windows down, the wind in your hair and the radio cranked to 11, then try Yellowcard's Paper Walls. A solid and gut wrenching release from people who care.

seriously, go die. now.

Anonymous (July 13, 2007)

Wow. Harsh words. If you are looking for a new release for this summer, one of those releases that makes you want to drive fast in the countryside with your windows down, the wind in your hair and the radio cranked to 11, then try Yellowcard's Paper Walls. A solid and gut wrenching release from people who care.

feeeding5000 (July 13, 2007)

That was the greatest concluding paragraph ever written. Ever. Although I'm not too happy with you knockin' the butt sex, that was truly inspired, and, well, inspiring. Beautiful language - a Shakespearian couplet in and of itself.

Oh, I hate Radiohead, yet frequently have "Creep" stuck in my head. Weird.

inagreendase (July 12, 2007)

Holy fuck.

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