So I have been on the road in this dumb band since the middle of September. Instead of doing a "tour diary" or "tour journal," Im just going to highlight a few of the more ridiculous things that have happened since I stopped getting drunk and writing it on the MySpace page. I guess I just got blogged down. Ha ha. Get it? Yeah. Here goes:

Flew to Europe. Got spit at in Germany by some long haired nerd who "hates me." Wanted to kill him. Now wish I would have.

Went to France. Shows were good, but I don’t think French people like Americans that much. Just an observation. People that work in gas stations there can suck it.

Went to the UK and toured with Four Letter Word. Ruled. I went after the sound guy at the first show for not being able to do his job. He sucked. The bartender lady did not like us. We did not like her either, so it worked out well. Moved on to other places via the wrong side of the road. All shows were good.

Went to Spain. Spain rules. Zack got chased by a hooker in Madrid. I wish I could have seen him running and screaming from that chick. I got super drunk every night. Josh was angry most of the time. I also got to hang with Eric from Strike Anywhere. I like him because he is kind of a dick. Stayed at a squat in Barcelona where this stupid German girl was convinced that we let her dog out. We didn’t. She kept yelling at us all night. She looked like a cross between Ellen and Danny Devito. I hope that girl starves to death.

Went to Italy. I don’t remember Italy at all. I bet it was awesome.

Went to Austria. Played a couple shows there. Josh almost got in a fight with a kick boxer. That would have been priceless. Justin and I got into a screaming match at the bar while I was in my underwear dancing to The Ting Tings. I bet that looked pretty funny. Hung out with a dude from a band called The Mugwumps. I liked him. Went to Vienna. Got kidnapped by some Sid Vicious looking guy and his soccer hooligan buddy. Went drinking all day. Got sick and played bad that night. Josh probably had fun…

Flew home and drove straight down to the fest. Went to registration to get my girlfriend her bracelet. Some bearded troll fuck called her a cocktease or something. I stopped and gave him some fire eyes. I wanted nothing more than to grab that Ernest Scared Stupid piece of shit by his ugly face rug and throw him down the stairs. I hope that fucking dick has a heart attack. Didn’t have much fun the rest of the night because I was fantasizing about killing that guy all night. Saw one band that sounded like Soundgarden and bailed. Ran into D4 at a bar with no bands and kicked it. Met Bill Beltone. Awesome. Went to another bar and ran into Brendan from The Lawrence Arms. Buried the hatchet and did shots. Sold D4 merch the next day, played the day after that. Show was fun. Drove straight home the day after. Everyone got sick and slept for a few days.

Toured a bunch more. Don’t remember much about it, so it must have been fun. Lots of fights in Florida. Bearded dudes hide their rage in those face rugs or something. Some guy took a U lock to the side of the face. Now he doesn’t have that side of his face anymore. Miami was cool. Some dude took a baseball bat to the side of the head as well. From what I gather, he kinda deserved it. Played Orlando. Two fights, one night. Not bad Florida!!!!! Then Tampa came and the Xanax arrived. I don’t remember a single thing from that point on. I guess I was waking up in the middle of the night and having full conversations with people that weren’t there. Great.

Took a few days off for X-mas and Chicago lady land.

Left for the west coast. Shit was all cool. Texas treated us well as usual. Played in south TX in a town called Mcallen. We have some friends there. It was a great time. Bought some Ecstasy from a guy named Crack. A girl was sitting next to me on a couch in a shed. She was a poet. She told me she liked my lyrics and started reading them to me. I went inside immediately. Zack and I were kicking it on a super comfortable mattress. Two girls came in and sat on the edge of the bed. I sat cross legged and said "Come my children. Asketh me the questions you seek (or something like that)." One of them asks, "Whats the meaning of life?" I told her that she was too young. She got super pissed off and offended. I was kind of amazed that was all it took. I didn’t even think that was mean. She obviously wasn’t ready.

Got a speeding ticket on the way to El Paso. I hate that cop. Small talking us about our band. Fucking dick.

Played other shows that were all rad.

Got to Vegas and loaded in. Excited because that night was with The Dwarves. I love them. Said what up to Blag and shot the shit for a bit. The place filled up and we played. Some little pork chop girl got up on stage and was trying to make fun of us or something by doing jerk off motions while dancing like a Pomeranian that dipped into the speed jar. I snagged a big one and hit her directly in the nose. She turned around and started doing the same thing to Robbie, so I gave her a full powered shove with my foot. Needless to say, she left the stage. The Dwarves played and killed it. Probably the best live band I’ve ever seen. Partied for a while, said bye to Blag and bailed. hat brings us up to speed.

For the Henry Rollins style "I wish I could kill these posers" section, we have:

Long Haired German AKA "The Ape"
Ellen Devito German Girl
Ernest Scared Stupid Fest Guy
Pork Chop Belly Shirt Vegas Girl