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After begrudgingly listening to the album Bite Your Tongue by New York City’s red-headed stepchildren Sex Slaves, I decided I’d compile a list. A list you ask? I bet you thought this was a review! Trust me when I tell you, you would much rather read this list of things I’d rather do than listen to the album, than read a review on this album. So without any further ado, here’s a list of things I’d rather do, than ever listen to this album again:

  • Count every grain of sand in Daytona Beach.
  • Lick the feet of a hobbit.
  • Be a fan of the Miami Dolphins.
  • Devote my life to the writing of level III Calculus textbooks.
  • Take a Nolan Ryan fastball directly to the face.
  • Be a Good Charlotte groupie.
  • Replace every pair of jeans I own with bondage pants.
  • Live in the Gulag.
  • Save Latin.
  • Attend a Celine Dion concert.
  • Be attacked by a Komodo Dragon.
  • Be French.
  • Take a bath in a tub full of mayonnaise.
  • Watch back-to-back episodes of "Barney" for a minimum of two years.
  • Jump headfirst into an active volcano.
  • Be blind.
  • Watch a Sinbad standup special.
  • Have a bowling ball dropped on my big toe.
  • Eat asparagus.
  • Walk naked through the arctic.
  • Never be able to eat pizza again.
  • Watch curling, live or televised.
  • Jump rope with razor wire.
  • Use sulfuric acid as shampoo.
  • Wrestle a polar bear.
This is cock rock at its very worst. “All Night Long” features some lazily delivered vocals and the especially poignant lyrics "I, I wanna fuck you all night long." The sooner bands like this stop trying to be Mötley Crüe, the better off we all shall be. “Thank God for Jack Daniels” changes things up a bit, by only repeating the chorus 30 times in between the intensely repetitious chord progressions and absolutely staggering depth of their musical arrangements. The drums are barely audible, it’s music entirely dominated by boring riffs and tepid sing-alongs. If ever there was a band that epitomized forsaking musical direction for an image, this my friends, is it.

I could go on, and on, and on, but I’m sure all of you get the gist by now. I don’t know who’s involved in the making, production, marketing, and distribution of this musical abombination, but I wish all the bad things in life would happen to them, and no one else but them.

I’m not even going to waste my time trying to think of a clever way to close this review, just get this trash away from me.






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    Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, July 4, 2006 at 5:08 AM (EDT)

    fuck you is all i have to say...fuck you

    Posted by Anonymous on Sunday, July 2, 2006 at 11:06 PM (EDT)

    fuck you is all i have to say. this was an amazing album and your taste in music is obviously shit if oyu dont like all night long.

    fuck you

    Posted by freesandwich on 2006-06-26 15:30:34
    My Score:

    score is for the artwork

    Posted by threechordsandthetruth on 2006-06-25 19:40:23

    I swear these guys got a good review in MRR, haha.

    Posted by Archangel on 2006-06-25 19:34:58

    Great review.

    Posted by feeeding5000 on 2006-06-25 19:13:45

    Can we get a larger picture of the cover art? For some strange reason, I find it intriguing. It could use more B&W photo collages, though.

    Posted by Anonymous on Sunday, June 25, 2006 at 4:19 PM (EDT)

    Pussies!

    Posted by Dante3000 on 2006-06-25 13:48:41

    What's funny is when a band's street team/fanboys find a bad review and come in to defend it.
    What's funnier is when it's only two posts of defense.
    What's funnier still is when those two posts look like they were typed out by blind people using their feet.
    -Dante

    Posted by Scruffy on 2006-06-25 13:28:43

    What's funny is when a band's street team/fanboys find a bad review and come in to defend it.
    What's funnier is when it's only two posts of defense.

    Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, June 24, 2006 at 10:01 PM (EDT)

    to the guy who said he can't eat wheat gluten... spokes pizza in minneapolis has wheat free pizza...

    yr boring town probably doesn't though, so yeah, life sucks...

    667

    Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, June 24, 2006 at 9:35 PM (EDT)

    I agree... what did one of them sleep with your girlfriend or sumhin?

    Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, June 24, 2006 at 9:25 PM (EDT)

    I think you need to go back to school....
    why all the hate???

    This is a really retarded review!!!!

    Posted by SloaneDaley on 2006-06-24 19:31:51

    "does the reviewer like this album or not, he said that nowhere clear"

    what does "just get this trash away from me" mean to you?

    Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, June 24, 2006 at 3:53 AM (EDT)
    My Score:

    does the reviewer like this album or not, he said that nowhere clear

    Posted by alahanno on 2006-06-24 00:24:45

    yea this is the worst shit ever

    Posted by jamespastepunk on 2006-06-23 20:21:33

    How dare you insult the second most intelligent species on the planet, especially when you're part of the third most intelligent species?!

    Clutch Douglas Adams reference.

    Posted by GreenVandal on 2006-06-23 20:00:16
    My Score:

    "Your mascot is a Dolphin."

    hahahahahahahahhahahah

    Posted by Scruffy on 2006-06-23 19:55:53

    Hey, dolphins are awesome! How dare you insult the second most intelligent species on the planet, especially when you're part of the third most intelligent species?!

    Posted by Anchors on 2006-06-23 19:48:09

    Your mascot is a Dolphin.

    Posted by Anonymous on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 5:45 PM (EDT)

    Be a fan of the Miami Dolphins.

    Yeah, because having the only undefeated team in the history of the NFL is pretty embarrassing.

    Posted by Scruffy on 2006-06-23 17:27:33

    "Posted by shindo on 2006-06-23 09:17:45

    Jesse, your lack of faith in Curling, the sport of kings, is disheartening.

    -adam

    Jesse didn't write this review, Adam."

    Also, he missed the perfect opportunity to say, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

    Posted by Dante3000 on 2006-06-23 15:16:46

    First off, Komodo Dragon reference = Sick.
    A few others (cause I think I’m funny…psst…I’m not)
    have my balls speed bagged by Mike Tyson.
    Have laser eye surgery performed by Michael J. Fox
    Relive every one of Mick Foley’s matches.
    Drive through Texas in a pink hybrid with a rainbow sticker on the back.
    Try to convince other Countries that our State of the Union Address is "supposed to sound like that"
    Watch every movie staring any rapper, ever.
    -Dante

    Posted by Dante3000 on 2006-06-23 15:08:44

    quick would you rather....

    would you rather a) everytime you sneezed, sneeze out testicles, or b) cry semen
    As I never cry, I'd take "b".
    -Dante

    Posted by Anonymous on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 3:08 PM (EDT)
    My Score:

    score is for the review, even though you appear to be taking shots at Canadians with those French, Celine & Curling comments. Oh well I'm not that patriotic.

    - APK

    Posted by Anonymous on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 1:33 PM (EDT)

    this review sucks.

    Posted by Anchors on 2006-06-23 13:22:22

    Posted by shindo on 2006-06-23 09:17:45

    Jesse, your lack of faith in Curling, the sport of kings, is disheartening.

    -adam

    Jesse didn't write this review, Adam.

    Posted by Scruffy on 2006-06-23 13:16:54

    "Take a bath in a tub full of mayonnaise."
    You say this like it's a bad thing.

    " Watch a Sinbad standup special. "
    Ouch, man. Just, ouch.

    Posted by HeresLookinAtYou on 2006-06-23 12:17:40

    lawl @ ozzie guillen

    I can't believe he called mariotti a fag.
    that's just ridiculous

    Posted by EyesLikeBombs on 2006-06-23 11:56:07

    Things I would rather do than listen to this album:

    - Look at the cover art.
    - Reevaluate my life if somehow that actually did manage to be Jay Mariotti.

    Posted by Anonymous on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 11:46 AM (EDT)

    I have to take issue with this review. I haven't heard this record, and I fully assume that it's terrible. My issue lies in the comment about not being able to eat pizza again. I am gluten intolerant, meaning I can't eat wheat ever again. I certainly do not appreciate you lumping me in with these douche clowns.

    Posted by Ozzie_Guillen on 2006-06-23 10:52:03

    I see you would not rather listen to this than take a Sean Tracey fastball in the face. Don't worry, I told him to throw a baseball at you, but he pussied out like a coward.

    In my country Nolan Ryan would face the consequences of throwing at people's face. Me and mi amigo Ugey Urbina will finish what Robin Ventura couldn't.

    Posted by Ozzie_Guillen on 2006-06-23 10:46:54

    The homosexual girl on the left is Jay Mariotti. I am not telling you a lie. If you think I am we can settle this like men and I will punch you in the face.

    Posted by HeresLookinAtYou on 2006-06-23 10:26:32

    i liked the picture on the website link
    and on the list my favorite would have to be :

    Take a Nolan Ryan fastball directly to the face.

    ouch.

    Posted by shindo on 2006-06-23 09:17:45

    Jesse, your lack of faith in Curling, the sport of kings, is disheartening.

    -adam

    Posted by jamespastepunk on 2006-06-23 08:45:47
    My Score:

    Score is for the Give Up the Ghost reference.

    Posted by Anonymous on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 3:32 AM (EDT)

    I dont know about the music, but album cover of the year for sure.

    ...evildeadalive

    Posted by Anonymous on Friday, June 23, 2006 at 3:20 AM (EDT)

    quick would you rather....

    would you rather a) everytime you sneezed, sneeze out testicles, or b) cry semen

    go

    Posted by theOneTrueBill on 2006-06-23 02:52:26
    My Score:

    Oh, and anything that mentions a Komodo Dragon gets two thumbs up automatically

    Posted by theOneTrueBill on 2006-06-23 02:51:55

    let me be the first to comment on the awesomeness of the picture in the link. WOW.

    How about be Robin Ventura after his fight with the Ryan Express? How embarassing is it to get put into a headlock, noogied, and beaten up by a man twice your age?

    Posted by cdogg on 2006-06-23 01:34:18

    So wait....did you like the album or not?

    Posted by inagreendase on 2006-06-23 01:31:30

    Looks like we weren't biting our tongue on this one!

    Yeah, this suuuucks. However, the cover pretty much lets you know what you're in for.

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