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Cassius - I Am Jim Jones (Cover Artwork)

Cassius

Cassius: I Am Jim JonesI Am Jim Jones (2007)
Lifeforce

Reviewer Rating: 1.5


Contributed by: JesseJesse
(others by this writer | submit your own)

Hi folks, Jesse here to tell you about this great new offer! Lifeforce Records is proud to set you up with their new release I Am Jim Jones by rock and rollers, Cassius! Coming at you with a blistering 30 guitar chugs a minute, Cassius are prepared to take the teen scene by storm! And if you cal.
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Hi folks, Jesse here to tell you about this great new offer! Lifeforce Records is proud to set you up with their new release I Am Jim Jones by rock and rollers, Cassius!

Coming at you with a blistering 30 guitar chugs a minute, Cassius are prepared to take the teen scene by storm! And if you call now, Lifeforce Records are prepared to set you up with a copy of this album for the low price of whatever they're selling it for! Now, I don't know about you, but I don't usually trust spokesmen like me, so let's go to our phones for their opinion. First up, Janice from Tacoma. Hi Janice!

"Hi Jesse, big fan, first-time caller. I love the products you advertise! They're just such great deals! Now, let me tell you, I've always been a big fan of chug-a-chug metalcore with blastbeats, but I'll be darned if these guys don't do a pretty bang-up job of it! I love my copy of I Am Jim Jones! I can use it as a coaster, I can set it up in a photo frame, I can buy a whole stack at this price and glue them together as an attractive center piece for the dining table!"

That's just great Janice! Now on to Marcy from some shithole in Delaware.

"Love the show Jesse!"

Thanks, Marcy. Tell us how much you enjoy Cassius!

"Well, at first I was skeptical. I mean, how often does a suburban mother really get a moment to herself to enjoy a CD? So I wanted to make sure that when I had a chance to listen to an album, I really wanted it to be something great! My years of generic brocore are over -- it's time for a band to truly make their mark to win my money!"

You said it Marcy, now what sets this album apart?

"Oh, well, it'd have to be the apathetic-sounding instrumental piano ballads that tie some of the tracks together. Very soothing after cooking a hot roast. I also like the extremely original use of power metal chords! I mean, without the blast beats I could just as well be listening to Hammerfall now dontchaknow?"

Well Marcy, myself, I really like the Cookie Monster growling and how the band manages to incorporate nearly the same chord progression into all twelve tracks. It's like listening to an old Converge album without the inspiration!

Sorry folks, but that's all the time we have today! Tune in next week where you probably won't even read the rest of my review of some other mediocre band that you don't even care about. Until next time...this is Jesse Raub, signing off!

 


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Fine Print: The following comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not respon sible for them in any way. Seriously.
jesse (May 27, 2007)

Blah blah blah proper grammar blah blah I sound fancy blah blah.

Give it up. Dialect will always trump proper grammar. I don't give no shit what you say. My writings are a more compelling read.

Anonymous (May 27, 2007)

If your MO is going to be to attack an album an whatnot, please be sure to get your grammar correct. I'm an English instructor, and I'd like you (and other people publishing their work in public fora) to first learn the basic rules of grammar and usage, then proofread your work. Mistakes ruin your credibility, and in a review like this (one short of objective description to complement the subjective judgment), that's about all you can rely on. If not for me, do it for the kids.

Anonymous (May 27, 2007)

how clever! another steaming pile from the kid who thinks he's lester bangs.
-TOBB

nate_derby (May 27, 2007)

Wow. Definitely the best review of all time.

Anonymous (May 26, 2007)

i am jim jones nigga BALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Anonymous (May 26, 2007)

I actually looking forward to Jim Jones' next record, I Am Cassius. BAAAALLIN!

Anonymous (May 26, 2007)

Thats about the dumbest album title I've ever heard.

elliot (May 25, 2007)

Said it before, and I'll say it again.....you are a fucking idiot, Jesse. i'm glad we have you here to give us your enlightened opinions on this album, when you clearly have no capacity to be reviewing music like this.

Apparently, when you hear a breakdown, your Snob Radar goes wild, and you just dismiss the band as being generic. Cassius is far from generic, and anyone with half a brain and half a clue about hardcore would know this. Maybe if they smoked a bunch of weed and let their amps feed back for ten minutes you'd be into it. I know how much you like that stuff.

Can we please get people who actually know what they're talking about to review albums on here?

Anonymous (May 25, 2007)

though jesse should start reviewing good cds, i must admit that was pretty funny.

Anonymous (May 25, 2007)

i like the album cover...

Anonymous (May 25, 2007)

congrats for the hammerfall, and not dragonforce, mention

DarrenMcLeod (May 25, 2007)

never heard the band. score's for the review.

Anonymous (May 25, 2007)

was this reviewed by a kid in grade school? fuck!

Anonymous (May 25, 2007)

i still like the madball review the best.

best part about this review---> "dontchaknow"

theyounginfluential (May 25, 2007)

agreed.

tylerdurden8136 (May 25, 2007)

Best review ever?

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