Hi folks, Jesse here to tell you about this great new offer! Lifeforce Records is proud to set you up with their new release I Am Jim Jones by rock and rollers, Cassius!
Coming at you with a blistering 30 guitar chugs a minute, Cassius are prepared to take the teen scene by storm! And if you call now, Lifeforce Records are prepared to set you up with a copy of this album for the low price of whatever they're selling it for! Now, I don't know about you, but I don't usually trust spokesmen like me, so let's go to our phones for their opinion. First up, Janice from Tacoma. Hi Janice!
"Hi Jesse, big fan, first-time caller. I love the products you advertise! They're just such great deals! Now, let me tell you, I've always been a big fan of chug-a-chug metalcore with blastbeats, but I'll be darned if these guys don't do a pretty bang-up job of it! I love my copy of I Am Jim Jones! I can use it as a coaster, I can set it up in a photo frame, I can buy a whole stack at this price and glue them together as an attractive center piece for the dining table!"
That's just great Janice! Now on to Marcy from some shithole in Delaware.
"Love the show Jesse!"
Thanks, Marcy. Tell us how much you enjoy Cassius!
"Well, at first I was skeptical. I mean, how often does a suburban mother really get a moment to herself to enjoy a CD? So I wanted to make sure that when I had a chance to listen to an album, I really wanted it to be something great! My years of generic brocore are over -- it's time for a band to truly make their mark to win my money!"
You said it Marcy, now what sets this album apart?
"Oh, well, it'd have to be the apathetic-sounding instrumental piano ballads that tie some of the tracks together. Very soothing after cooking a hot roast. I also like the extremely original use of power metal chords! I mean, without the blast beats I could just as well be listening to Hammerfall now dontchaknow?"
Well Marcy, myself, I really like the Cookie Monster growling and how the band manages to incorporate nearly the same chord progression into all twelve tracks. It's like listening to an old Converge album without the inspiration!
Sorry folks, but that's all the time we have today! Tune in next week where you probably won't even read the rest of my review of some other mediocre band that you don't even care about. Until next time...this is Jesse Raub, signing off!