The Queers - Pleasant Screams (Cover Artwork)

The Queers

Pleasant Screams (2002)


What the hell happened here? Does anyone else remember back from 8th to 10th grade when the Queers were still a good band? Then they left Lookout for Hopeless, a move not particularly shady in and of itself, considering Lookout at the time was pretty much treating all their staple bands like crap, while Hopeless was shaping up to be quite the cool label. In fact, the only time I ever had a problem with the Queers switching labels wasn't even due to the fact that they had found a new home, but rather due to the fact that THEIR ALBUMS ON HOPELESS SUCKED. Maybe it was because Joe ditched Hugh and B-Face in an effort to become what I like to call the John Couger Concentration Queers. Maybe it was the stress of not drinking anymore. Maybe he was just hard up for cash and figured he could slime his way by with songs that sounded like some pre-teen knockoffs from the suburbs of California trying their hardest to write songs that sounded like the Queers. Whatever the reasoning behind Joe's seemingly open and conscious decision to stop writing good songs, I was pretty sure we wouldn't be hearing from the group ever again.

Much to my surprise, another album managed to sneak into the Hopeless catalog. "Beyond the Velley of the Assfuckers", it was called. Holy lord. Someone ought to inform Mr. King Queer over there that simply playing faster and swearing more does not make your horrible songwriting sound any better, even if you are a punk band. "Beyond the Valley" sounded, to me, like some sort of midlife crisis Joe wanted to share with the world. This time, I was just HOPING they wouldn't put anything else out.

So here it is. I open my mailbox, and there it is, staring me in the face. The new Queers album, back on Lookout Records and terrible as ever. Let me recite some lyrics from this gem of an album just to show you an example of the type of stuff you can expect from Joe and Co this time around:

Danny Vapid, he ain't no faggot
Danny Vapid, he ain't no faggot
Danny Vapid, he ain't no faggot
And he's okay to me

Do I really need to say anything more to convince you not to buy this CD? This is awful. This is just... augh. If you are one of those people who has never heard the Queers, but wants to, go buy "Love Songs for the Retarded" or "Beat Off" or something. Don't buy this. In fact, if you see this in the store, don't even pick it up to look at it. I don't care if you have no intention of buying it, do not touch it. This album is the devil. It will burn your skin. We must round them all up and burn them. Then, as suggested by another before me, we need to invent a machine to burn things that have already been burned, and we'll burn the CDs and the machine together.

Have I made myself clear, or should we go over that one more time just to be safe?