Valient Thorr - Total Universe Man (Cover Artwork)
Staff Review

Valient Thorr

Valient Thorr: Total Universe Man

Total Universe Man (2005)

Volcom


0.5
If this band was good, then maybe I'd be writing a different review. Maybe I would be praising their silly backstory (something involving being from Venus), or maybe I would be laughing with them over their metal clichés. Perhaps we could even pretend to actually rock out. Instead, I'm forced to gi...

If this band was good, then maybe I'd be writing a different review. Maybe I would be praising their silly backstory (something involving being from Venus), or maybe I would be laughing with them over their metal clich├ęs. Perhaps we could even pretend to actually rock out. Instead, I'm forced to give you the story straight: This band is terrible. And not terrible in the good way either. It's so bad you can't even laugh at it. Instead, we're stuck with 4 slightly talented musicians, one supremely annoying singer, and no good songs.

A mixture of cut-rate metal riffs, third-rate cock rock tempos, and unratable attempts to bring thrash into it, Valient Thorr is a culmination of exactly what I've come to despise in many bands: A lack of rock. That's right, it just doesn't rock. Instead, it's really boring. It makes me gag a little bit, then puts me to sleep, where I have glorious dreams of the MC5, who these chump-monkeys can't stop aping. Did they really need to throw the fake crowd and semi-sermons in before songs? Ugghh.

Also, any band with a metal aspect doesn't get to do spoken-word intermissions in their albums. Or maybe if they actually rocked they would be able to. But alas, this thing is tamer than that sixteen-year-old Hellcat band. Ouch.

Note: Bring the rock before you bring the antics.