Scissorfight - Jaggernaut (Cover Artwork)
Staff Review


Jaggernaut (2006)


I hate you. I hate your stupid face, and I hate your pasty faced drooling mouth. I think you're a piece of shit and that I'd be better off just puching you in the gonads. You hear me? Now go fucking throw on Scissorfight, dude.

Zep lives, man! Throw out the baby with the bathwater, and raise the flag brothers! We've got some riff-tastic rock'n'roll for yeh to be blasting out of yer speakers. Every other is a Page riff, every drum beat wouldn't have been possible without Bonham, and the rest is filled in by modern metal history up until this point. Standard low-voiced spoken word, grunt vocals, screams, shouts, minmal singing, and crunching guitars and supa-low bass make this shit the best jock rock metal fudge baloney goo goo g'joob shit that you've ever snorted up yer nose.

Even though "86 Sucker" rips the riff straight from "Livin' Lovin' Maid," it's got that "Highway to Hell" chorus ("Backstabber! I'll make you be what you are!") complete with Plant-style harmonica solos. So grab yer best gal, take her around in your camaro, and then hit it in the backseat while this shit bumps from yer trunk speakers.

Whatever they're not taking straight from tha Zep or AC/DC, they're ripping off from the riff-heavy early tracks from Funhouse, pushing mid-tempos as fast as they could go in `70. And y'know, even though I miss track names like "The Most Dangerous Animal Is Me," off of Mantrapping for Sport and Profit, I think I can handle it seeing as how "Digging Grave" is the best riff-heavy Danzig rip-off I've ever heard in my life.

Pump your fist, pussy! We're starting "Metal Mother," duuuuuuude! Melvins riffs asswipe! Lou Reed vocals. Jesus fuck! Why you makin' this so hard on me? Where the hell's your snake tattoo? Where the hell is your goatee? Sheeee-yut.

Don't even look at me anymore. You make me sick. You're still reading this bullshit while you're supposed to be jammin' this album like Jah Rah Rocker's Delight Dub Mix `72.Chicky-ricky Pum-Pum.

Jesus, don't listen to me. I just write reviews.