Tonight We're Going To Give It 35%

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Here's your question and answer of the week from the Punknews Formspring:

Q: Have you ever gotten your ass kicked by Pork Magazine or Maximum Rock n' Roll?

A: I'm going to take your question in the literal sense (as I don't really know how they'd kick my ass with like words or ideas [In part because that's silly and in part because I couldn't possibly figure out what any music journal would say that would really constitute and ass kicking. "Your website isn't punk because X,Y,Z." Well, OH NO! I'll just file that under, "Shit that impacts my life not at all" somewhere between the price of a space ship and what Glenn Beck had for lunch]). That's hilarious for many reasons. First, I imagine anyone who takes up "journalism" (present company included) is probably about as likely to kick someone's ass as they are to develop time travel. Remember your high school newspaper? That lowly collection of guys who weren't athletic enough to play sports, so they wrote about them? Those are the same people who make up any number of music journals (except myself, who was too lazy for the school newspaper…Yeah that's right, I wasn't even committed enough to crank out a once a month article about, "Why does the lunch room smell like cod: a special investigation!")

Secondly, there's the fact that I don't even know where those magazines are located (and I imagine it's the same the other way around). For all I know MRR lives on some punk island fueled by coconuts and governed by a committee of 12….OR they're located out of Dubai. Either is equally possible to me. So I don't really see me running into any of those folks any time soon.

Third, and most importantly, I'm a really fucking fast runner. Like not for long distances. Sure I can trek up to 8 miles at a running pace but we're talking between 6.5 and 7 MPH, not exactly lighting it up. But in a sprint?! Oh, shit. In a sprint I'm Usain Bolt (If he were a lot slower and I was located on a people mover while running [Side note: I've always felt that with a 2 second head start and a people mover, I could probably come pretty close to a tie with Usain Bolt in the 100m dash]). Anyhow, the point is, if I ever got into a "fight or flight" situation, you better believe I could flight the fuck out of there before you could say, "Kick his ass, Sea bass."

So…Not yet. Nope. Though I guess Razorcake did verbally (writtenly?) assault me. Which I thought was both very mature and reasonable of them. So, I'm sure if we ever met, I'd have a good chance to run away from them.


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