John G's Guide to Good Gamblin'

While preparing to make the trip out to Vegas for Punk Rock Bowling this weekend I asked my good pal and fellow editor John Gentile for some gambling tips. I figured this weekend could be the once in a lifetime chance where I leave a loser and come back a king among punx.

So the two of us were able to sit down and have a chat, via our laptops, where John laid down all the tricks of the trade on how to win the big bucks. So being the fine gentleman that I am I have decided to share this knowledge with you so that you too can also win big this weekend and know what it feels like to be loaded like Fat Mike until you lose all your money in the stock market.

The Punknews “Can’t Lose” Guide to Winning Big in Vegas!

Listen, it’s time for everybody to drop the charade. You’re all acting like you’re going to Punk Rock Bowling to hear music. Hooey! I know it. You know it. We all know it. You’re going to Vegas to win big cash! We’re talkin’ fast cash! Easy money! Viva Las Vegas!

Well, Punknews has the solution to your problems. We’ve put together a guide that tells you how to game the game tables and walk outta Sin City with fat stacks. So, here is the Punknews “Can’t Lose” Guide to Winning Big in Vegas!

1.Take the edge off: The number one cause of money loss at the gaming table is nervousness. Too many people get nervous and stuff while playing, and start making bad decisions. To correct this common ailment, have a few drinks before you begin gambling -- say eight or nine. This well help relax your muscles and give you a clearer head for advanced strategizing.

2. Always gamble on credit: There’s the old adage: “never gamble what you can’t afford to lose.” So true, but the problem is, people never take this far enough. Why even bet your own money in the first place? You should always gamble on credit. Why gamble with your money when you can risk someone else’s?

3.Give yourself a cool gambling nickname: Everybody knows all the best gamblers have cool nicknames that inspire fear and awe in the hearts of dealers. You should choose one that plays to a particular attribute you have, and perhaps comically enhances, or misdirects, that attribute. Suggestions: “The space cowboy”; “Gangster of love”; “Maurice”; “The Steve Miller Band.”

4.Wear a ten-gallon hat: If there’s one thing to be learned from The Rockford Files (and trust me, there is more than one thing to be learned from The Rockford Files) it’s that big-time gamblers always wear ten-gallon hats. Everyone respects a man in a ten-gallon hat.

5.Carry two revolvers: Revolvers are actually required in most gambling establishments these days. When you do win it big, you should pull both pistols out from your open-view holsters and fire them both wildly into the air while dancing a vigorous jig. This will let the owners of the establishment know that you have indeed won a large sum, allowing them to find you easily and present you with a comically oversized check. You may also yell up to five “yee haws!”

6. Always hit on 20.: In blackjack, the objective is to get 21. When you’re at 20, be sure to hit. You’re very close and it’s definitely not the time to quit now. Persistence. Persistence. Persistence.

7. Go to the Star Trek Exhibit: It’s really cool. You get chased by Borgs and Klingons and you get to see a video of Captain Janeway. This will help you win at gambling because you’ll be able to look at the cards and “make it so.”

8.Angrily throw money in random directions: You never know. Maybe one of those Jacksons that you whipped towards the visiting Church group will accidentally float into the bill terminal of a slot machine and then, by some random coincidence, seven doves will land on the handle and then against all probability you will hit five “BAR” markers. I don’t know what those mean, though.

9.What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas: All you Fest-goers know the dreaded disease “Fest Flu,” which is essentially a particularly vicious form of diarrhea. Oh the indignities! Well, Vegas also has a communicable disease, though, Vegas’ version is much worse. It’s called Chlamydia and it will leave Vegas with you. Be smart, kids. Play it safe and just go to the shows, instead.